Angry, depressed,full of rage. These three things best describe the person I used to be. For as long as I can remember I have been trying to deal with theses problems. I would look up anger management techniques and try them but every time I lost my temper it was like a different person took over my body and I wouldn’t know what was going on until after I threw something, broke something, yelled and screamed and swore. Once I was calmed down I always felt foolish and embarrassed, hoping no one noticed my little fit but they usually did, so much so that the guys I work with started calling me “Tony the Tiger” because I would “roar” every time I lost my temper.
This problem was getting out of hand and I couldn’t get it under control no matter what I did. Often times I would think that if I just killed myself then it would be over and I wouldn’t hurt anyone or feel that way again, these thoughts were constantly in my head and many times I found myself with a knife in my hand but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. My temper and depression took a huge toll on my marriage and I could barely handle our son. I was getting to be a verbally abusive husband and father. Finally one day my wife had enough, she told me I needed to stay somewhere else for a bit so I found myself at a friends house who welcomed me into their home with open arms. Not only did these people let me stay with them, they sat up with me until 2am that night talking with me and trying to help me. Over the next week a lot of things happened, my friends set up a meeting to talk to the pastor of their church which I was very nervous about because I had all theses preconceived ideas about church and was by no means a believer. I agreed to talk to him and when he came over he did not push any religion on me or anything. He just listened to me and offered some advice. He told me about a book called The five love languages which sounded very interesting. At the end I asked him a few questions about faith and he happily answered them, again without forcing any religion on me. Later in the week I met with a friend of mine and he lent me the movie Fireproof. After talking to him I went home where another friend, whom was a very close friend in high school but we had drifted apart over the years, was sitting on my deck! He knew right away that something was wrong. he listened to everything that was going on in my life and then offered his advice. This was the part that made me REALLY think because that night he told me about the movie Fireproof which I had just borrowed from another friend and then he lent me the book The Five Love Languages. These were just a couple “coincidences” that I encountered which started to really make me think that maybe there WAS a God. Maybe he did really love me. My friends that I was staying with invited me to church that Sunday and I reluctantly went. When I got there the songs they were singing were awesome! They weren’t the old hymns that I had heard before, they had drums and a guitar and a keyboard! The message that was given that sunday made sense to me and it really spoke to me! This was not the church experience that i thought it would be! That night a couple more old friends called me up and said that they were going to the young adults group at my old friends’ church (the friend that showed up at my place) and they were going on their motorcycles. So I hopped on mu bike, met the guys and away we went. The message that was given that night was directed straight to me. He talked about anger controlling your life and about depression and needing a fresh start. At the end of the service I found myself at the front kneeled down crying. Behind me and beside me were my friends. They were right there with me, supporting me. I got saved that night and it changed my life! I was told that once I was saved not to expect things to get easier, because now the devil will try harder to get me back. Well he did try harder, my marriage was still in ruins and a lot of things happened in the next couple weeks that made it hard to keep going, but I did! I didn’t lose my temper at work and when I felt I might “lose it” I just stopped and prayed for a minute and then went back to work. After a couple weeks a co worker asked ” what happened to Tony”. I joyfully replied ” TONY IS DEAD!!”. It has been 2 years since I have lost it at work and become “Tony the Tiger” I have finally learned to control my anger and all it took was to accept the love of Jesus! Now my marriage was a tough one to patch up and the devil was having a hay day trying to get to me but I refused to give up. I lost my best friend and I almost lost my wife but after she saw the difference in me we started to work things out with a lot more listening and working together on both ends and both of us admitting our mistakes and figuring out how to learn from them. We have started a new relationship together with God. Life always has its ups and downs but by pushing through the down times I now have a loving wife, and I now have 2 wonderful sons and I am a very proud father! And a great circle of friends and a fantastic church family.
A righteous person may fall several times, but they rise again. Proverbs 24:16

Hi Mommy

I’m writing you this letter before I leave today because I want you to know how much I love you and how proud I am of you! I am glad  that you have found someone that makes you happy. When I  look at you now I see someone who has been reborn with a new outlook on life. You have done so much for Courtney and I. You have sacrificed yourself for us and I will never forget what you did and what you put up with to keep our family together. You may not think it sometimes, but you are my hero and my role model, if I can accomplish half of what you have in my life time I will be very fortunate. When I am at work for the 12 to 15 hour shifts lol I am thinking about you and how much I want to make you proud.

You are my motivation, you have inspired me to make things happen and care about myself and how I should continue my life. I want you to know that I will always be there for you no matter what happens mom. You once said to me that I was your rock, and I want you to know that “you are my rock”.

You have taught me so much in my life time and giving up wasn’t one of them. I am going to do everything I can to make you happy and to make you proud, but I am growing up and I know it’s hard for you to see me move on, but mom I will never stop loving you and I will never forget what you have done for me. Please don’t think that I am ignoring you or forgetting you because that’s not the case. I’m simply just growing up. You are always in the back of my head, I am always thinking about you.

Thank you for all that you have done for me and for everything you continue to do. You mean everything to me.

Love always your son and your “rock”

I love you mom xxx

When I was a young girl, I had a dog named Grayfield Tuxedo. Well, he was the family’s dog but I always considered him to be my own as I was the one who always had to brush him and walk him and pick up after him.
He was very special, he was a top breed and my dad brought him home to us when I was only 5 years old.  He had beautiful light brown eyes and lovely soft fur. He did like to bite sometimes if I played with a tennis ball! He once bit right into my Levi’s, I still have the scar! I didn’t care. He was my dog. I loved him!
He was my pal as I often played with him, especially if I wasn’t allowed out!
He used to do the tour in garbage day of the neighborhood cans and my friends would often call to say they say him and he was heading up the street coming home.
No matter what, he was always hungry!
But one day he didn’t make it home 🙁
My dad would say, don’t worry he’ll be back soon.
But he didn’t come back.
We were heart broken.
He was a beautiful Shetland Sheepdog.
His name was Tuxedo, we called him, “Tux” for short.
We were living in the West Island of Montreal in Dollard-des-Ormeaux.
I looked everywhere, my dad and sisters looked everywhere.
Weeks went by and turned into months.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
I’d go looking for him on my bike ever single day!
He was so cute, being a Shetland Sheepdog, he would always run back and forth in our backyard, in his mind. He probably thought he was herding sheep!
He was my friend, my pal to talk to when I was alone or sad. Sometimes I would fall asleep with him at night and my mom would wake me up to go to bed.
He was beautiful and he loved me, unconditionally!
As a young girl, I couldn’t be without him.
I’d play in the woods and take him with me.
But then one day he never came back…..
I was heartbroken, devastated but never gave up HOPE.
I prayed and prayed.
Hoped and hoped that I would find him.
I’d call all my friends to ask if they’d seen him. I’d knock on doors.
Weeks went by and then turned to months but I still never gave up.
Where did our Tux go?
My dad always told me to never give up HOPE.
I posted pictures on poles and knocked on doors…everyday.
Finally, one day, we went to visit our family friends about 5 kilometres away from our family home in Dollard-des-Ormeaux.
We would go see our family friends in Pointe Claire at least once a month or so.
It was a beautiful sunny day and my dad parked in front of their house and being 4 kids in the car, it took a few minutes for us all to get out!
I was still sad, didn’t want to visit in case Tux would go home.
Anyways, I had my head down but looked down the street as I heard a dog bark! It sounded familiar! I knew that bark anywhere! I froze!

Was it Tux? Was it him? My baby, our long lost pet? My best friend forever?
I slowly started walking towards the dog like I was in a trance. I had trouble seeing that far, couldn’t really make him out… Was it Tux?
The dog  stopped in his tracks and titled his head. I called his name…”Tux, Tux!”  and sure enough, like in slow motion in a movie, we started running towards each other!
My whole family started to yell his name, crying in disbelief!!!!
As he came closer, I fell on the road, he jumped on top of me, yelping in joy and licking my face non-stop!!
TUXEDO is found!!
Our baby found us!
A miracle!!
To think he never stopped searching as we never did!
He must have remembered visiting there with us in the past!
We found him or HE FOUND US!
His paws were bleeding and worn out! He had lost a lot of weight!
But we were together!
I never let him out of my sight again!
Tuxedo was home forever!
Hope is what brought him to us, I know, I never gave up hope and never will again! It was a miracle!

There is something in human nature that drives us to think “hope” even as we feel despair tugging at us from behind. The tragedy of Hurricane Katrina began over two weeks ago, and the nation continues to struggle to understand its devastating consequences. These consequences have taken different shapes, from the physical destruction of property to the deep and troubling issue of enduring inequality in America. But even at this difficult time, the ways people have come together to make a terrible situation just a bit better have inspired us and fanned the tiny flame, that whisper of “hope. There are so many innovative, brave, and generous ways that people have connected with each other–many other stories remain untold. But as the nation rebuilds, both literally and figuratively, in the wake of this tragedy, the inspiring human drive to hope will continue.

I changed my story……… then changed my life

One evening I heard a very powerful man speak these amazing words.

“Change your story, change your life” I have often wondered to myself what my life would have been like if things had been different. Many times I had wished they had been. However, if that had been the case, then I would not have my children and my children are my biggest blessing!

For many years my life was filled with so much heartache that I did not want to live. So many parts of my childhood I don’t even remember. It’s the strangest thing, it’s just a big blank .  After years of counseling, the counselors had explained to me that what I had experienced was called “blocking out” it’s what someone may choose to do when they have experienced a tragic event or have been subjected to one form or another of abuse.  It was my way of surviving.

No longer am I a child, but a full grown woman. It has taken me a long time to recognize that I am a good woman, that I am beautiful, and am a good mom. What a revelation it was to know that I’m worthy of being loved, & that I was not responsible for the actions of someone violating me. I did not deserve not only the sexual abuse, but also the emotional abuse that went along with it.  As years past, one of the most difficult things for me was being in the presence of these individuals.  There was no longer any more physical abuse, but the emotional abuse still existed.  Finally came the day when I had the courage to walk away and no longer allow myself to be abused. What these people thought or said, had no control over me. . In my heart I knew the truth, I had survived and so now my healing could finally start . It’s funny I use to feel less of a person because I did not live in their world, which consisted of who you knew, how much money you made, where  you lived, & what clothes you wore or what kind of car you drove………I can tell you that none of those things were in the realm of my world & so therefore according to them, I was not worthy.

I have come to learn that the only person that determines my worthiness is me, and I am more than worthy!

So after decades of living a life that has been full of lies and continued abuse. I’ve chosen to live a life that is filled with truth,with peace, with love, in faith, & in trust.

I eliminated from my life the lies I had been told for years……….”I changed my story…….then changed my life”.

Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960’s. The man
Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
Put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
Knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a
Giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A Special note was attached.
It read:
“Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
The other night. The rain drenched not only my
Clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along . . .
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
Husband’s’ bedside just before he passed away . . . God Bless you
for helping me and unselfishly serving others.”
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Yes I am Worthy

I do not undermine my worth by comparing myself with others.
It is because I am different that each of us is special.

I do not set my goals by what other people deem important.
Only I can know what is best for me.

I do not take for granted the things that are closest to my heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

I do not let my life slip through my fingers by living in the past nor for the future.
By living my life one day at a time, I live all the days of my life.

I will not give up when I still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
I will not be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that I will learn how to be brave.

I will not shut love out of my life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly;.

I will never dismiss my dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope;
To be without hope is to be without purpose.

I will always remember to not run through life so fast that I forget not only where I have been, but also where I am going.